The emotional ride of an “aggressive” dog

Let’s talk about emotions

Whether you adopted that cute shelter puppy, that rescue you found online, the perfect breeder who swore all their puppies are perfect, or any other way your dog found themselves embedded in your life.  Like that one guy in your family, some dogs carry baggage, and just like that family member, you don’t realize what sets them off until you mention politics at a family gathering. There is a lot out there that talks about the dog, and that is crucial, but today I want to take a minute to talk about you. I want to talk to the end of the leash that after another walk you go home and cry. Your struggle is so often missed by those in the dog world. Behavioral professionals are so often laser-focused on the dog, we often miss what you are going through. So this is for you.

Dogs with behavioral challenges, especially the bitey ones, carry with them a whole ecosystem of emotions. When guests come over if they do anymore; embarrassment when you walk out the door and your dog starts barking and lunging, anger. You ask yourself, “WHY IS MY DOG STILL DOING THIS?”. You are Atlas holding the world on your shoulders, one slip and it all comes crashing down around you. This is not an easy way to live your life. You look up some videos online on how to work through aggressive dogs, but there is conflicting advice. This one dude says to be the alpha (please don’t), and another says you need to rearrange your entire life.  You reach out to a trainer. It is expensive and they tell you more information that conflicts with everything you have read and heard so far. You do a couple of sessions, but it doesn’t seem like it’s working for you. On top of all of this, you just got the bill and it’s several hundred dollars. Oh yeah, don’t forget about your full-time job, your kids, chores, doctor’s appointments, seeing your family, seeing what’s left of your friend group, and everything else that makes up your life.

This is a lot. This is so much, and every moment of this is incredibly taxing. I want you to know how impressive it is for you to have stayed in this relationship for as long as you have. By the time I get an email, most people are at their wit’s end. The abyss is right there, the black void of surrendering or, euthanizing your dog. You adore your dog, and those moments you will never forget keep running through your mind, the first time they came out of their crate on their own, or the time they got their first pup cup. But also the moments you would rather forget, the first time they bit you, or when they cornered your kids. In the face of it all, this dog loves you, but it is all just too much to bear. I will talk about rehoming, or behavioral euthanasia, but this isn’t the conversation for today. 

When I am working with a dog with behavior issues, one of the first pieces of advice I give the owner is to set the stage so their dog can succeed. We want there to be a big challenge, but it can’t be too hard. We need to walk the tightrope of challenging and difficult. Too far in one direction you both lose, too far in the other, no one is learning.  This advice applies to you. Take a moment to think of the things you love doing with your dog. Going for a ride in the car? Playing ball in the backyard? Watching that weird show on Netflix you are too embarrassed to tell your spouse about? These moments can be our fortress. We often set ourselves up to fail. So come back to that moment where you actually have fun with your dog. Remember the good moments. We always want to return here. This isn’t for your dog, this is for you. When your world has shrunk to managing your dog’s quirks, that creeping isolation and fear will kill you. You need to give yourself reasons to succeed. These little nuggets of success, of joy, are the beacons that point your way forward. Find the line for you to succeed, maybe you skip the walk today and try a Sniffspot. Maybe that vet appointment can be pushed off. You can’t do it all today. As much as your dog is your world, you have to care for your solar system.

You are going to feel frazzled, guilty, afraid, and overwhelmed. It is a piece of the puzzle. When I adopted my (now) old man Trapper John, the very first thing he did was bite me. I still remember the fear of this 120-pound dog, with my entire hand in his mouth and thinking “huh, I am about to put this dog into my bedroom, is this a good idea?” In the following weeks, I learned he struggled with sounds, new people, children, eating, separation, and the list goes on. I was a dog trainer though; I could handle this. I can name all the different schedules of reinforcement; hell don’t even get me started on the quadrants of operant conditioning.

My world shattered the first time we were out in a public park, and a bus stopped at an intersection. That hiss of the breaks, I still get a rush of anxiety every time I hear that hiss. Trapper knew the world was going to end when that sound hit his eardrums. He would buck like a bronco, kicking out with his back legs, and thrashing to get away from that soundwave. This broke me. Even now typing this I feel that surge of shame, of despair I felt watching this dog I love meltdown.

The emotional toll was brutal, and I hid how I felt. My personal relationships struggled as I dealt with and worked through the stress of my new life with my emotionally wrecked dog. The shame of being a newly christened dog trainer and failing, failing Trapper, failing the rescue that trusted me with his wellbeing, and failing myself. It took many years for Trapper to handle life. To this day he is still the hardest dog I have ever worked with. I say all this to remind you, you are not alone. You are not the only person living with a dog with emotional challenges. You probably don’t even have the weirdest dog. The other person reading this, their dog is just so much weirder than yours.

You have given your all to this dog, so don’t forget to take care of yourself.

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